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Review : Quest in Leeds for wheelchair users

At the encouragement of a friend, I’m going to try blogging about my experiences as a very slutty disabled person, and how I make that work. I’ll be talking about online dating, sorting out dirty weekends when the wheelchair and the meds bag need to come along. But today I’m going to talk about the fetish event I went to at a swingers club last weekend.

The venue was Quest in Leeds. I went with three friends, two of whom were quite familiar with my disabilities and access needs, so I knew that even if the access was awful, I’d have back up and help.

But it was awesome! This club have really obviously thought about how to navigate the venue on wheels, and how to help people with less than awesome mobility have an amazing sexy time.

The car park outside isn’t massive, but it’s big enough, and is well hidden from the road, so you don’t feel overlooked while getting from cars into the venue. I got a lift, but it’s not too far from the train station, and easy to find on maps for taxis. I can’t comment on public transport, but if I use it in future, I’ll update this.

There’s a small lip from the car park into the building, but I took it backwards in my electric wheelchair without any problems. The doors are all a pretty standard width, but I didn’t notice any particularly awful things on the walls making things difficult. The staff let me know as soon as they saw my chair that they have an accessible loo. I actually didn’t end up using it, because I can walk for short distances, so I just left my chair outside the standard toilets and used them.

The changing rooms are spacious enough to change in a chair, and they have benches and stools in front of mirrors. There’s also enough space under the vanity bar that you can sit and use your own chair if you want. Lockers and towels are each available for a £5 deposit, and staff give newbies a tour of everything whenever you’re ready, and gave me absolutely no ableist bullshit at any point in the afternoon.

You will probably want a towel because THIS PLACE HAS A GODDAMNED MINI SPA IN THE BACK! For real, the wet area on it’s own would be enough to justify the entry cost for me. There’s a hot tub, hot and cold showers, a sauna, and although it wasn’t in use the day we were there, a steam room. The hot tub holds 8 and is not a sex pond, as no sex is allowed in it. (I’d like to try hot tub sex at some point, but definitely not in a communal tub that I can’t clean immediately afterwards, because, eww.)

Our party started out in the hot tub, chilling and getting affectionate. There may have been kisses. Kisses are awesome. I’m such a fan of kisses. There’s a bit of a step to get in and out the tub, and no hoist, so you do have to be able to stand and move a bit to get in and out. Also there’s nothing to sit on in the showers, which I might ask them about next time I visit, as it’d be really useful. There is, however, ample space around the tub, so I didn’t feel like my chair was in anyone’s way while I was soaking.

We then went into a private room to turn all that spa water into sweat. Which we did. Copiously. It was awesome, and I technically achieved a first I’ve been wanting for a while. Getting in and out of the rooms required a bit of help from my companions, and space was tight. But there was space, and the corridors were wide enough that turning around wasn’t difficult. It’s possible that there were other rooms that would have had more space, but there was only one private room free by the time we were looking, and fortunately, we were able to make it work.

We used the cleaning supplies provided to clean down the room. In retrospect, we should probably have done this before playing too, as I’ve been battling a rather nasty throat infection this week. I wouldn’t take this as a sign of poor hygiene on the part of Quest though – I get every infection going, and usually quite badly. But if you’ve got a crap immune system like me, it’s worth taking the time to wipe down before as well as after. Which is definitely something I will be doing next time I go (*coughs in a decidedly un-sexy manner*).

A quick shower to rinse off, and another soak in the hot tub. Got talking to a couple of the other people at the event. Everyone I ended up talking to was lovely. I made several trips through the bar area, and noticed that the surfaces and bar stools were far enough apart that people didn’t have to struggle to get out of my way, so I didn’t have to worry about rolling over toes, which was lovely. Apparently one of the staff, maybe one of the owners, is a wheelchair user, and in these little but essential details, it shows.

Two of our party then went to take advantage of the dungeon equipment, and R and I, who were all sexed out, found a sofa to curl up on. There were some snacks out in the middle of the room, and drinks were reasonably priced, although I don’t know how reasonably, because no one let me go to the bar, and I kinda like being waited on a little bit!

All in all, it was a really good experience and I will be going back! If you’ve got any questions about the club, put them in the comments, and I’ll try my best to answer them. I hope this is useful in helping you to plan debauchery. A healthy sex life is so important, no matter what form that sex life takes, or how much or how little your body is capable of doing.

Wishing you a wonderful and satisfying intimate life! Smooches (if you want them), Charlie xx


The wet wipes issue from my disabled perspective

The latest culprit in the environment war is wet wipes, and specifically scapegoating people who just Aren’t Trying Hard Enough to be sustainable. This article from The Pool goes into a lot of the issues around why people need to use disposable cleaning and hygiene products. And they’ve got a point. Wet wipes are really easy to carry, and don’t need you to have access to a washing machine. If you’re homeless or housed in overcrowded accommodation, that’s not nothing

But there are some of us who can switch to more sustainable methods, if we know what to switch to

This is a thing that I’ve figured out in the past couple of months for myself. I am a very disabled person. I don’t manage to brush my teeth every day. We had to move rooms in our house so that I could be closer to the loo, to avoid having to get me a commode

Given this, it’s not a surprise that my first thought for facial skin care was wet wipes. They don’t need any preparation. They don’t need a sink. I can clean my face (and pits and bits) in bed, without needing to ask for help from anyone else, which would be frankly embarrassing

And over the last few months, I’ve managed to switch to a more sustainable method! Yay!

It started with catching an ad for a no rinse cleanser on a YouTube make up video. I didn’t even know that was a thing, so I was really excited, and just straight up gave them my money

I started by using the cleanser with disposable cotton pads, but that’s also not the best. I’ve seen tutorials around for how to make yourself reusable cotton rounds, but although I do have a sewing machine, I would rather use the very rare occasions when I have enough energy to use it for making fun things, rather than a whole lot of identical daily necessities

Which is why when I heard the idea of using those pads you put in your bra when you’re nursing as reusable cotton rounds, I was, again, All Over That. I ordered two packs of 12 cheaply from, and a couple of mesh laundry bags to wash them in, just sticking them in with a normal load of clothes. I just keep a stack of cotton rounds and the cleanser on my bedside table, and voila! More sustainable, and I still have clean skin!

They’ve been through the washing machine a couple times now, and are still working just as well. Some of them have picked up a bit of colour from mascara, but they’re comfortable to use and just as easy as a wet wipe. In fact, they’re a bit softer than the L’Oreal wipes I was using before I switched

Being disabled is hard, and there are many ways in which I lead a waste heavy life, and just can’t change that. So when there are things that I can do and change, it feels a little bit like being able to be more of a person. Someone with agency, a stake in the future, and the ability to make a difference, however small

Disabled Person Self Driving Car Wish List

  • Call up a car like you call a cab, but also suitable for long distance journeys
  • Seats that face each other, not all facing forward, so everyone can hear each other when talking
  • Automatic ramps. Actually automatic ramps. Like the ones on London buses. And space between the seats to put wheelchairs
  • Able to navigate drive thru fast food. I don’t think I need to explain this one
  • Able to record if you have a blue badge so you can have pick up / drop off in disabled spaces
  • Windows with adjustable opacity so you can sleep while travelling
  • Also reclining comfy seats
  • A wake up alarm based on how many minutes to your destination
  • Button for ‘I need the next disabled loo we go past’
  • Cup holders
  • Power outlets
  • And I know this seems obvious, but, actually fully autonomous. I’m not allowed to drive cos of my disabilities. I don’t need a hybrid. Public transport doesn’t go everywhere. I need it to do every damn maneuver itself

“So if I’m polyamorous, and one of my partners is married, am I going to hell for adultery?”

A friend of mine has just come out as polyamorous to her Christian mother, who was immediately concerned that she would be helping married people to break their marriage vows

This is a thing I had occasion to consider 11 years ago when I was a polyamorous Christian person preparing for marriage. So here is the product of that thinking, for me, for my friend, and for anyone else wanting to make sure they’re not going into an eternal fire for the sake of a hot evening

I grew up in a very bible based church, and in a family where I was taught theology and Christian apologetics along with how to bleed a radiator and turn hospital corners. What this taught me was that, above all, the message you get from a particular part of the bible depends far more on the way you interpret it than on the text itself

For example, in the gospel of Matthew, there’s a famous part of one of Jesus’ sermons

You have heard that it was said, “Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.” But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.

At first glance, to a modern eye, and after generations of people in power wanting to have the prevailing interpretation of the bible being the one that’s most useful to them, this looks like a call to passivity. To letting things slide in this life, because we’ll get justice in the next, so never you worry, just let the asshole go on his way, he’ll get his comeuppance later on, now just go back to making useful profit for your lord / owner / employer

In fact, when you know the context, this is Jesus advocating for non-violent resistance. Because at the time, slapping someone on the right cheek was something you did to servants and slaves. Because most people are right handed, slapping the right cheek happens with the back of the hand. The only way for them to slap your other cheek would be for them to use the palm of their hand, which is only ever done between people of the same status. By offering your other cheek you are effectively asking them to insult you as an equal, rather than as a subordinate. They are then left with the choice of not hitting you when invited to do so, or of tacitly acknowledging you as an equal with a right to reply and dispute their initial insult

So yeah. Context is everything

Which means that we can’t really try to read too much into biblical readings without knowing their contexts. Across the bible, there are many different relationships represented. In Genesis, Jacob marries sisters Leah and Rachel, and in fact, when Leah becomes infertile, she arranges for her servant Zilpah to become a third wife for Jacob, and celebrates when the marriage produces a son. In modern polyamory, this joy in the relationship between someone you love and another person is called compersion

At the other extreme, the apostle Paul, writing to the Corinthians, said that marriage should be only for men (let’s not even get started on Paul’s misogyny) who can’t keep it in their pants, which in my opinion is the worst of all possible reasons to decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone

Anyway, my personal beef with Paul the Prude aside, there are a very wide range of relationships shown in the bible

In fact, the one time that multiple relationships are censured, that I can think of, is Solomon and his many wives. But even there, it’s not the fact of his multiple relationships that earns him disapproval, but that he adopts the religious faiths and practices of some of his non-Israelite wives. This breaks the first commandment about worshipping only the God of the Jews, and not any others. Even then, God gives him a pass while he’s still on Earth, presumably because Solomon was responsible for building him that nice house in Jerusalem

So that leaves us with what married people actually promise one another, and how we interpret that in the present day. The relevant words under the law in the UK are the promise to be faithful to one’s spouse. That’s commonly interpreted to mean romantic and sexual exclusivity, but does it have to?

Keeping faith with someone doesn’t have to be interpreted in this narrow a way.

For me, as a person who was a Christian when I entered a legal polyamorous marriage, I look at this a different way. I keep faith with my spouse by always telling them the truth. By telling them about important things in my life. By putting them and their needs above the needs of my other partners, and equal with myself and my own life ambitions. For me, the promise to be faithful goes above and beyond romantic and sexual obligations, and to the whole of our life together

By deciding to keep faith with one another in a way that can change at any time, we allow one another growth and change, and trust in our partners to use their judgement to ensure that we’re not hurt by their actions. Equally, having that trust placed in us allows us to be more fully ourselves, knowing that our needs and desires, honestly expressed and pursued, will be respected

In the new testament, Jesus says that the old covenant is ended, and that our responsibility to one another is to love each other. How better to express our love for our partners than by responding independently and sensitively to their own unique selves, and keeping faith with them using our free will and intelligent, trusting love. Doing this in accordance with the new covenant

I doubt anyone would go to hell for that

Wheelchair Build Project Post 2 – Inspiration and Research

So, I’ve decided I want to build my own custom wheelchair. There are advantages to starting from scratch, but the path I’m choosing is to take advantage of the engineering work of others, and to use as many off-the-shelf parts as possible. Hopefully this will mean that the overall cost is lower, and also hopefully the project will be quicker

A friend recommended that I contact Get Cycling in York, as they are committed to helping disabled people get mobile, they use a lot of bicycle parts, and they can make custom frames

In my last post, I talked about how the inspiration for this project came partly from the superb Leveraged Freedom Chair, which was designed by engineers from MIT to meet specific needs in the developing world. Obviously my setting and needs are different. Most notably, I need my mobility device to be able to operate using a motor, as my primary diagnosis is Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease (SEID), otherwise known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or Myalgic Encephalomyelitis. I have this many-named but ill-understood condition badly enough that walking to the loo can sometimes require a 5 minute wait before I’m ready to walk less than 10 metres back to bed. So, while being able to operate a wheelchair manually in close quarters and when doing fine positioning will undoubtedly be invaluable, for most of the time, I need to rely on a motor to get around

Sitting in our garage, sadly neglected and never used to her full potential, is an electric bike I bought 5 years ago. At that point I was starting to find longer distances difficult, but was still resisting getting myself a walking stick. The electric bike, for the period before I got too ill for it, was a lifeline. I could ride into town or out to the peaks, and use the motor to go far further than I would have been able to ride or walk without it. I know that in the grand scheme of things, I never cycled very long distances. As someone whose world had been steadily shrinking for years, and who was starting to have to use a walking stick however, it was indescribable. I’m sure that having the bike, and using it for the time that I could, greatly eased the emotional trauma of being a former outdoor sports enthusiast now reliant on mobility aids

Being as I am, a bit of a social media addict, I have Pinterest. And being a user of Pinterest, when I find something I like, I tend to Pin it, and then find other stuff that broadly relates to it. And with my electric bike having made such a difference to my life, I have a lot of Pins related to bikes

One of the things I’ve found in my Pinterest wanderings is that there are off-the-shelf kits to convert standard bicycles to tricycles. Looking at these kits. And the structure of the Leveraged Freedom Chair. And the electric motor from the bike I can no longer ride. There simply must be a way to put things together that meets all the items on my brief

I’ve had a lot of ideas about how to do the details of things, but I’m trying to just make note of them for the time being. To not become invested in any particular solution, because you never know until you actually try things which ideas are going to work

My next step is going to be to make some calls. And Get Cycling are at the top of my list! I’ll let you know how I get on

Wheelchair Build Project: Post 1

In the last couple of months, the mobility scooter I rely on to get around out of the house has started to fail in a major way. This week it was serviced, and I can get some new batteries which will make it last a little longer, maybe as much as a year. 

Having had the scooter for 2 years, I’ve known for a while that it’s not really the best mobility device for me. Long term, I need something that can do a couple more things than the scooter can, and definitely something that will last longer. 

Knowing that my current device has a ticking clock, naturally I started to look around, to see what my options could be to buy something. 

I have been bitterly disappointed. The options out there for mobility devices are either crap, or astronomically expensive, but most often both. There are a couple of things that I could theoretically cobble together to make a system that might work for me, but it would be for two devices, both shipping internationally, with no local shops or support if something goes wrong. Oh yes, and a minimum up front investment of £6,000. 

Even then, whatever device or combination of devices I look at, none of them will do all of the things I want them to do in one. Each of them will be appropriate for maybe 95% of the situations where I need a mobility aid, but I’d need something else for the other 5%. Which might be fine if I drove everywhere and could keep my backup mobility device(s) in my car, but I’m medically forbidden to drive, and use a lot of public transport. 

While looking around, I came across something called the Leveraged Freedom Chair, and it’s relative, the GRIT Freedom Chair. These wheelchairs meet a whole load of my criteria. They’re maneuverable. They’re robust. They’re easy to fix and thus likely to last a long time. 

But the leveraged freedom chair isn’t available in the UK, the GRIT chair sells from the US making shipping alone almost £600, oh yes, and neither of them has a power option, which is necessary for me.

Yet, when I look at electric wheelchairs, I come up against the other end of the spectrum. They’re also expensive. Often ugly. Very bulky. And they’re not really possible to maneuvre without specialist equipment. Which means that if I want to go anywhere, and I mean anywhere, I have to know ahead of time that there will be ramps or lifts for every single bit of the journey. Including in and out of vehicles. Which means I will never be able to just catch a lift somewhere. One of my partners has a car, and it’s entirely unsuitable for carrying a 95kg electric wheelchair or having a ramp fitted. My other partner who drives just hires a car when he needs one – and I don’t even know how you start getting a ramped, accessible, hire vehicle. Therefore an electric wheelchair is also out. 

Before I got as ill and disabled as I am now, I enjoyed cycling a lot. I cycled all over North London when I was a kid, and a few years ago, I got myself an electric bike to help my already-a-little-bit-ill self to get up and down Sheffield’s hills and out into the Peaks. 

All of which has led me to believe that it just has to be possible to combine the power of an e-bike, the innovation of manual lever drives, and the building ethos of using primarily off-the-shelf bicycle parts to create a wheelchair that will work for me. For the long term. In all the situations I need it.

I’ve been thinking this over for the past few days, and I’m brimming with ideas. But as any designer or engineer knows, the place you have to start is the brief. So here are the outlines I need to fill in.


  1. Capable of both manual and powered operation
  2. Can be folded and / or dismantled enough to fit into a car boot – specifically, the boot of my partner’s car
  3. Easy to use on public transport, that is, maneuverable, and copes well with sloped ramps in a timely manner
  4. Uses as many off the shelf bike and ebike parts as possible, with a minimum of custom parts, aiming for a total cost under £1,000
  5. Fits at a table or under a desk
  6. Legal to use on the pavement in the UK
  7. Easy to modify and repair

I’m going to document the whole design and build process on here, including my mistakes. Because I have another aim as well. I would like, once I have made my wheelchair, to be able to produce, well, a recipe if not an exact plan, for how to make one of these for yourself if you want. 

Mobility devices are expensive, and are only designed to last five years. Usually, when they stop working or fail, you then have to scrap the whole thing and start from scratch. These costs, and the limitations if you can’t afford them, are distinctly political. 

In the absence of being able to change the world, cure illness and disability, and render humanity from the sickness of capitalism, I’m going to try and make an affordable, upgradeable, open source wheelchair, capable of modification. And tell you how to make one too.

Fenty Beauty and Black Beauty

I know, I’m a white woman writing about beauty products for black people. I know. I promise, I’m already self-flagellating.

But I noticed a thing.

I’m a bit of a beauty YouTube enthusiast. One of the people I follow is Jackie Aina. She’s brilliant. I also jump around to a whole load of different channels. And there was a real divide on opinions about Rihanna’s Fenty Beauty launch.

The reaction of beauty vloggers seems to be divided along racial lines. Now, that’s nothing new, but on this occasion, white vloggers seem to be enjoying an average sort of launch, with upsides and downsides, like any other line. WOC however, appear to be all over this, and seeing the launch as really revolutionary.

Here is Jackie Aina’s review of the launch. Jackie has been an advocate of make up for darker skin tones for years. If you’re looking for make up advice and recommendations for darker skin tones, this woman is amazing. Also, a while back, she led a tutorial challenge for beauty vloggers to do complete make up looks using only products from black owned make up brands. So, if you want to make a difference with your money and support black owned makeup brands, check out the BOMB tag on YouTube

Here’s a review from Nyma Tang’s series, The Darkest Shade, in which she tests the often neglected dark end of the foundation spectrum

And here, with a British WOC perspective is Patricia Bright, who ended up with a look quite different from her regular make up, but one she really enjoyed making

So yeah. I watched all of these videos, and it reminded me of something I saw the other day via tumblr. This article on MIC describes the steps that cinematographer Ava Berkofsky and the rest of the creative staff on the HBO show Insecure have taken to ensure that the skin and features of their black actors show up on film, even in low light and evening settings.

The reflective qualities of the make up Berkofsky describes, and the glowing natural looks the YouTubers describe seem very similar. Which probably explains the difference between the white and WOC reactions to this launch. Because Fenty Beauty is not designed for white skin. It’ll work okay. It’s not bad. It’s a good high end line. But it’s not designed for a white canvas. That’s not who it’s for. It’s designed to work differently, and to do different things for the skin and features.

Personally, I’ve looked at the line, and it looks amazing. The match sticks look awesome, and I might get myself some of the blotting paper, because that container is fucking genius. But I can’t see myself using too much of it. Because it’s not designed for me.