Skip to content

My body is scaring me

July 13, 2013

Everything’s been so incremental, I don’t know when it first was that I started hating my body.

I know that I first collapsed in 2005, but I couldn’t tell you at what point the various related things have appeared. I do know that once upon a time, I freaked the fuck out when my knees wobbled a bit in the shower and I fell over that one time. Now, I have perfected not only the art of showering with an all over tremor, but of cooking with a sharp knife in my badly trembling hand. Feeling exhausted for days on end no longer even blips my radar. Collapses are only noteworthy if they’re in some way unusual or they happen in a cluster. 

On Thursday evening, for the first time, I lost consciousness when I collapsed. I also got no warning, and just went down out of nowhere. 

In a way that I haven’t felt for a while now, I am actively scared of my body. The concern in my parents’ voices and the faces of my partners appears warranted, not an overreaction. 

And one of the things that scares me the most about this is the medical response. I know I need to go and see my consultant again, but the last time I went in, they referred me to psychology. It makes me feel like I’m not being believed. I don’t deny that there may be a psychological element to what’s going on, and that some of the horrible situations I’ve found myself in might well have made matters worse than they would otherwise have been. But when I look back, there are so many instances where there are no stresses that I can identify that could possibly have made me collapse, and yet, down I go. 

I don’t really have a good end or a good point to make here, and possibly this would have been better put into my journal, but fuck it, it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want to. And I do want to. Lots. Because I’m scared.


From → Uncategorized

  1. {{{hugs}}} It’s so rough when doctors won’t listen properly to your symptoms. Is there another doctor you can go to for a second opinion? I read a post on Tumblr just today about a woman whose doctor put her through all kinds of hell basically because he didn’t believe her, and when she finally got a second opinion she had a correct diagnosis within weeks.

    Whatever you decide. Hang in, there.

    • I’ve already seen a couple of different consultants at my local hospital, but I might ask if they can refer me to the specialist neurology hospital in London and see if they’ve got any better ideas, because I kind of get the feeling that the psych referral was them going, ‘Well, we’ve shot our wad, maybe this’ll keep her quiet for a bit.’

  2. Pizza Rich permalink

    Don’t underestimate what a psychologist might be able to do. It might not be that there’s a specific trigger setting off your collapses, but instead some underlying factor that’s affecting your whole life, and might be causing the persistent tiredness and tremors as well. The collapses might just be a culmination effect (not necessarily stress). It’s much more important to find this cause than to just treat your symptoms otherwise it’ll just keep happening. No doctor should want to subject you to medicines that affect your brain without really needing to. I’m not qualified to tell you what the cause might be, but having studied the subject for 9 years I know enough to say that Psychologists can help a lot more than you might think!

    • I’m not saying the psych ain’t useful, but it just feels like my consultant has palmed me off on that and given up. If the psych were happening alongside continuing investigations and stuff, that’d be one thing, but that’s not what’s going on.

  3. Krysia permalink

    There’s nothing helpful I can put here, just *hugs*

  4. I’m scared too. Everytime I notice the ways you don’t notice symptoms anymore. I can’t promise it’ll be okay. I can promise I won’t be going anywhere. ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: