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Where I’ve been

May 10, 2013

Bit of a catch up post. Recently, I’ve kind of been ill. Really ill. Like, for about the last 6 months or so. I’m fairly sure I’m still pretty ill, but am unable to adequately gauge it due to aforementioned ill. The variety of ill I’ve been and still am is anxious and depressed, although vast quantities of pharmaceuticals are helping. I’ve been doing a lot of that sitting about not doing very much and feeling guilty about it thing, which is kinda classic grade A depression, which I nevertheless quite successfully ignored for a long and unhealthy while. 

I have theories about why I got depressed, but to be honest with you, given that about 6 months ago I had to quit the best job I’ve ever had working with people I was growing to love, it’s not really that hard to work it out. I have refrained from seeking out and brutally murdering the person responsible for me losing that job, which I think makes me a bigger person. Or something. Anyway. Turns out I gots me some Issues around employment and worth, and these have been doing their Being Issues thing. The relationship break up also didn’t help. Kinda knocked me on my heartbroken ass if I’m honest. 

Anyway. This means that for a few months, I’ve been being a lot quieter than usual on the twitters, and I’ve not been really keeping up with most of the things that, usually, I like to keep up with. I know that there are a lot of things going on in the Big Wide World that could be the reason that I’ve disengaged slightly, but they’re not the reason. The reason is in my head and my heart.

I still love you. All of you. Yes, even you. Especially you in the back, hiding in your hoodie and convincing yourself that I couldn’t possibly mean you – I love you the most.

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2 Comments
  1. Hi there

    I just came across your blog but I wanted to say that when I suffered a bipolar disorder relapse a couple of years ago I had no idea how to deal with losing first my managerial role, let alone my career of almost a decade. My sense of self was so bound up with my job role, I didn’t see how I could have a point if using work. Just over 2 years after I first had to go back under the care of a psychiatrist, I am just beginning to build a new career – a freelance, part time one that supports MH recovery. But finally letting go of the hurt and the bitterness about losing my job was a turning point. It allowed me see myself as valuable even if not working (and for me, blogging was a major part of that). I would even go so far as to say I think I the career I’m hoping to build will be brighter, better and more fulfilling. Really hope you can rise out of the ashes of your experience too. Charlotte

    • Thank you for sharing that with me Charlotte. I’ve had some very interesting things start in the last 6 months too, and I’m glad they have. It’s certainly not been all bad, and I’m very grateful for the things that have happened. But I haven’t finished mourning for the future I’d worked so hard for, that’s now out of reach.

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