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November 17, 2011

I have had an epiphany today. Not a nice one.

I'm really ill.

Like, really, really ill right now.

I've been behaving and thinking like I'm essentially okay, am only a little bit ill and have this occasional inconvenience. But I'm supposed to have been in work eight days over the last two weeks. I've been in three. On Monday I'm going into hospital for a two night stay during which I will be constantly connected to an EEG machine, trying to figure out what's going on.

I'm really ill. And I hate it. I hate my body for being weak.

That's all. Nothing long today. Just depressing realisation and resultant self-loathing.

Fuck my life.


From → Uncategorized

  1. Anonymous permalink

    I’m really sad that things aren’t going well right now Mary. It sounds awful, what you’re going through.

    The doctors could figure out what’s causing all this. They could find a treatment that actually works for you. Maybe you’ll find a way of controlling it yourself. Maybe it’s something that waxes and wanes, and the last two weeks have been a particually bad time and things will improve. You have a lot to hope for, and that’s really important.

    I liked your pre-epiphany state of mind a lot more. My MS is mostly behaving itself right now, so it’s easier to trick myself into thinking that I’m healthy when I’m really not. When things get worse I’m still planning to think as postitively as I can. When I was 1st diagnosed and I thought about all the implications of that, I went a little crazy for a while. I think the first few months are the hardest.

    You’re a really smart cookie. If the quacks can’t figure out what’s wrong, that really doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to. A friend of mine was in a very similar situation to you, and now she tells her doctors what she needs, and they admit that she knows more than they do.

    The best of luck for Monday x

  2. Anonymous permalink

    Sweetheart, I can’t say I know how you’re feeling, but knowing you, I’ve got a pretty good idea. Being ill is a thing which has happened. It doesn’t make you weak, no matter what you might think. It’s like Matt said – for all we know, there could be some kind of brainwave on Monday and suddenly someone figures out what’s happening and we fix it. But we will. You know that, right?

    Try and keep your chin up, love. I know it’s rough, and I know it feels like life won’t wait for you – but there’s really nothing else to do right now but see what happens and take your days as they come.

    I’ll see you tomorrow and give you all the hugs then and I’ll be at the end of the phone when you’re in the hospital and come and make sure you’re not going crazy and I love you, so very, very much. xxx

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